I started a new job today.
I know, ‘didn’t I just hear this shit already?’. OK, I upgraded and took a job with a local television station. I once swore (OK, OFTEN SWORE) I would never take a position with a local station, but I really got tired of waiting for da goberment to give it to me deep. So now I have fancy benefits like paid time off and real health insurance. I want to share my experiences in government employ, but not tonight.
I know the Mexican single mom across the street in her ‘daisy dooks’ was excited at the news as she bent over at the waist in front of me to either pick up her kid or show off her ovaries. I thought it was an innocent invitation, tacitly relaying her fertility until she screamed from between her legs “Twenty dollars make you Holler”. Threatening to hike the toddler across the yard. I guess she heard I got a raise. I politely passed and went inside to sip a celebratory scotch out of its gallon plastic container.
I then recalled why I feel so blessed to have a liquor store as my next door neighbors. The proprietors have taken to calling us The Lushes, as if it was a proper name. I’m wane to correct the fact that we aren’t married, as he might figure out that we’re also not related and are living in mortal sin. I’m serious, these Christians don’t fuck around.