Category Archives: Politics

The Great Humiliator

Today I just graduated from another course in interpersonal communications, no seriously. I have actually committed a great deal of time and other people’s money to the art of communicating effectively.

And I can tell you unequivocally that I am awesome at communicating. I am extremely effective at allowing you to understand my needs and reassuring you of how irrelevant your needs are when we aren’t in agreement. Not to say that your needs aren’t important, they certainly are when they parallel my needs, and of course you want us to both get what we want, don’t you?

As we approach this historical election I find that more and more people feel empowered to try to communicate with me. Why just today, someone who has known me for years expressed how rude and insensitive I was as if they had just realized this today. All this is very novel to me as in the past most people just averted their gaze as I leered at them sexually. I’ve decided that either I’m not creepy enough anymore or I’ve suddenly become sexually attractive to all walks of life and they can no longer ignore me.

It gets worse, this weekend, my company insisted I sit at the State Fair and be the engineer in charge of how ignorant you are of technology (I don’t think that was a title so much as a directive, which is why I didn’t capitalize). People actually approached me with questions. Didn’t anyone tell these people you aren’t suppose to ask engineers questions lest they give you an answer that is outside your vocabulary, is bound to make you feel more stupid and usually involves a huge dent in your wallet. You invite engineers to public events simply to eat your food and as silent props to legitimize your marketing staff.

Not to worry, I used my time communicating productively. I shared the secret that no one need worry about the upcoming ‘digital transition’ that will be taking place February 17th, 2009. As we will simply start broadcasting our advertisements directly to the microchip we had installed in each of your brains.

Have a Nice Day.

North Carolina’s First Amendment

Religious Freedom in North Carolina is most often defined as the freedom to be whatever Christian you choose to be. When we moved in, my next door neighbor wasn’t as concerned that we knew where the nearest grocery store or liquor store but rather which church offers services that correspond with our schedule.

On the way to Highway 70 today we drove past the “New Aggressive Church of Deliverance”. I’m not kidding, apparently Christians don’t take ‘NO’ for an answer any easier than pan-handlers (this is a story for another time). At first we were taken aback by the relentless Christians but after a few minutes we decided to rename this place of worship “The New First Aggressive Church of Involuntary Flagellation” and all was good.

Bonus: A little history lesson… The original 13 colonies all had drafts prepared of the original Bill of Rights in order to discuss and ultimately ratify those amendments. After it’s ratification in 1791, these priceless early drafts went into storage, North Carolina’s draft was relatively safe from everything but the rages of war as Sherman’s dirty army of Northern Aggression waltzed through Raleigh and some enterprising yankee profiteers decided to take some souvenirs. The draft was returned in 2005 to much fanfare.

The DNC concluded tonight to a show at Mile High Stadium that was second only to the Olympics opening ceremonies. Obama made a rousing plea to bring change to Washington. If this war continues I fear all we’ll have left is change. All the while Iraq sits on nearly $80 BILLION in surplus. Oh sure it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the nearly $10 TRILLION the US is in debt, so why not stay in Iraq. Really, what’s another $23 BILLION a year and countless lives to continue to destabalize a region and rake in billions in profits for oil barons.


Celebrity Genius

I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome the opening ceremonies of the Olympics were, I am trying not to be all gay and stuff, but was near tears there. The closing ceremonies were no less amazing. If you were to interpret the imagery there I can only assume that they plan on taking over the world with large wheeled bicycles.

These guys have put every other Olympics to shame. And at an estimated 60 billion dollars it’s unlikely another country will come close any time soon.

As the Olympics closes, I realize the media will have a whole new group of medal-wielding idols to impress some assumed intelligence upon. The next thing you know, these athletes who have committed their whole being to some physical endeavor will soon be considered celebrities and assumed experts on a range of topics. As if they are more likely to have developed a more informed opinion than the average mouth-breathing American.

Here’s a perfect example, Michael Phelps, after years of hard work, continuous practice and exercise has won eight gold medals in a single Olympics and attained world records in seven of those events. Earning lifetime ‘fuck you’ rights and finally a sweet pay day in endorsements. He’s now under attack for accepting endorsements from McDonald’s and Frosted Flakes. It’s not like he’s endorsing sitting on the couch and playing XBox for 16 hours a day which I assure you is as much a contributor to my morbid childhood obesity.

Hey Michael Phelps, if you come across any ‘child obesity advocates’ giving you shit, I suggest you just tell them to “Suck it” and beat them with a sock filled with Olympic gold medals.

Frosted Phelps

Someone asked me about my photochopping skillz, I explained that for me, photochopping is like sex, if it takes more than 15 minutes and doesn’t make at least one person laugh, I want no part of it.

Durham’s got a reputation

Durham’s got a reputation… And like mine it’s nothing to be proud of… However, I doubt its reputation stems from liberal abuse of easy fat girls, drugs and local traffic laws. Although I might be wrong, after all Durham is considered a college town. However, despite all this, it suffers from as many ups as downs.

Friday night as we made our way out to dinner I heard the familiar wail of sirens. Familiar only from years of living in the highest per capita homicide capital in the country, Orlando, FL. As I tried to get a bearing I heard a low rumble like a train coming, down the road was a champagne colored SUV with a flat front tire barreling at us with 3 patrol cars hot in pursuit. As we sought cover, the truck leaned into a perilous right hand turn spitting distance away.

I have to add that our little community has a very active listserv (read yahoogroup), we are constantly made aware of yard sales, free events and aggressive solicitors with a flurry of emails every day. This same vehicle had been seen in the area recently aggressively harassing and stalking pedestrians. I emailed the list after returning from dinner to find out what the result of this chase was, a Durham police Sergeant replied that thanks to the listserv participants they were able to cobble together a license plate # and wait for the moron to show up at his home.

It’s only slightly disconcerting that these officers in ‘hot pursuit’ were incapable of getting the license plate without the combined help of the neighborhood, that they lost the 3 wheeled SUV in the pursuit, and the town that the Andy Griffith Show is based on is just up the road.


I’m just hoping that we give these guys more than one bullet. Come on boys, make me proud…er.

Presidential Debate

I’ve often mocked people who think ‘live blogging’ an event is cool and trendy. So here I am sitting in front of the TV watching the debate and Googling celebrity nip slips (I know, so last year). I decided instead to be productive, not with some mindless minute by minute report. I will watch the debate and make a general impression of the candidate and then use Google Image Search to find the appropriate picture that represents my impression.

I’ve put them in order of their position on stage rather than by preference. To the left is the way they want to present themselves, to the right is my impression.

I task you with interpreting my impression in the comments.

Mitt Romney


John McCain


Rudy Guiliani


Ron Paul


Mike Huckabee