Category Archives: Play

An open letter to Sirius/XM

Dear Sirs,

When I first got Sirius I always commented that the one thing it was missing was a regular Industrial/Punk channel like XM. I was elated when Sirius started a Punk channel and thought it was some kind of practical joke when just a few months in, it became the AC/DC channel. WTF!!

Then, when XM joined Sirius, I thought that we would finally see XM’s industrial/goth/punk catalog mated to Sirius and we would have a channel dedicated to this genre and provide some reprieve beyond the smattering of songs on Faction between the endless insipid yapping and the token show on Sunday nights at 10PM on 1st Wave.

I don’t tend to write in complaints but I guess this has finally seethed to the surface, I know I can’t be the only one. Please give this silent group something of our own and consider a some kind of dedicated goth/industrial/punk channel, I know there is no shortage of material on your Prophet system.

Thank you,
CHRIS

Work it girl

I happened to turn to the TV to find out I was watching “America’s Next Top Model”. I think it was some kind of rerun of the season opener since there was an inordinate amount of girls crying. I don’t mind the occasional girl crying on TV but I realized I have a limit of 20 women crying, anything over that drives me to writing inflammatory tweets.

I wasn’t really paying attention but I was told it was ‘fierce’, I don’t know what models and ‘fierce’ have in common. I’ve never known a clothes hanger to be fierce outside the grip of Joan Crawford. I once met a girl who did some modeling who happened to be fierce, but that had more to do with the black eye she laid on me then her ability to deliver a convincing GRRR! face.

I was also educated that fierce isn’t just an adjective, but apparently ‘fierce’ can be any part of speech. It’s true because someone on TV said it. I won’t get into that rant, but I am confused about the show. Am I wrong or is the whole program based around making people who think they are models look completely ridiculous, I mean this show seems to be very self-serving and doesn’t appear to have anything to do with fashion other than being driven by women with daddy issues and men who have no particular use for women.

Don’t you think straight men should have some influence in an industry primarily designed to be utilized to get their attention? Why does this all seem wrong? Should I get involved?

Calling Doctor Fancypants

I decided to test my medical insurance the other day with one of my comprehensive annual exams where I prove I’m as healthy as a horse.  Guess what, I am, a very fat and lazy horse.

I like people who think out of the box so it was no surprise when I asked for a referral they knew exactly who to send me to, ‘Dr. Brentley’ is young doctor, younger than me and his practice is brand new. He was familiar with TCM and was eager for new patients, in a world where you could wait 6 weeks for an appointment I thought this was exactly what I was looking for…

My surprise came during the exam, you see Dr. Brentley is probably 120 lbs with shoes on. He grabs the little earlight and when the thing didn’t work he muttered “Shit”. He was mortified as he discovered I had overheard his outburst and went on a 5 minute apology asking me not to tell on him. I explained that probably every doctor says ‘shit’ occasionally. I was a little concerned that I was the one comforting him, I thought that was his job. But that didn’t last as he informed me that I had reached the age where it was important to check my prostate. I informed him that Amy spends a good deal of time down there, but he insisted that it was medically necessary. It was at this point that I was curious about his training in alternative medicine.

I included a picture of  the procedure.

In other medical news, I took my Irish bartender to the hospital the other day. He broke his hand being Irish. I’m afraid that the diagnosis was terminal, he will undoubtedly die of being Irish.

I’ve been following the White House Blog and was interested in their views on Health Care reform, here’s the article for your perusal.

Who F*#%s the Watchmen?

To start I want to reiterate how much I appreciate my little slice of heaven. I have it good, I have it good enough for two men my size. Actually, there are times when ‘the nurse’ will even make the excuse for me, she often blames my bad behavior on ‘THAT BASTARD’. I think this is why I live this double life, mild mannered media cog by day, dastardly bastard by night.

After ‘watching The Watchmen’ however, I’ve been struck with the dread that I should be lying low. Recently I’ve been having a series of nightmares where I’m being pursued by authorities for having a secret identity. Speaking of which, I’ve never been sure what they meant by Secret Identity, take Batman for instance, is Batman his Secret Identity or is it Bruce Wayne. If his Secret Identity is his public identity, how come Batman has to wear the mask. It all just seems so silly. I mean, Supervillians don’t seem to have Secret Identities, if they do, I’m sure they are way more fun to be around then some stuffy hero.

Of course it’s not enough to run around with some sinister alter ego, you have to have some superpower or something that justifies donning spandex besides your typical Saturday trip to Walmart. I have a superpower, although it doesn’t seem terribly dangerous. My superpower has proven to be somewhat useful when it comes to enjoying a simple night of drinking myself under the table. I have the uncanny power to guiltlessly drive women away crying. It’s not enough to drive them away, no I seem to only drive them away crying. I would probably be willing to trade powers, however I don’t want something stupid like the ability to make cheese smell worse, no I want something cool like the ability to make everyone nekkid. Yeah, that’s it….

Of course, I suppose I should do a sit up or two in case I inadvertently get caught up in my own reign of bare-er. Oh that was horrible, I’m getting rusty, I better make a quick getaway… hey look, nekkid people!

Of Unicorns and Feminazis

Speaking of girls, I was at the bar the other night (I know, no surprise) with my friendly neighborhood Irish bartender, a young couple was in discussion with an older woman sporting Dyke Haircut #4 (I’ll explain another time), they referred to a female friend of theirs as a ‘unicorn’. I’m afraid I might have picked the wrong time to shout out, “I love unicorns!”. At that point I became aware that despite the metaphor relating to a unique single woman, their metaphor might have been a tad more innocent in nature. This might have been the trigger that incurred the wrath of the self proclaimed “retired lesbian” (don’t ask me). Sometime later I realized that the “feminist” was yelling at me, so out of sport I engaged her. She spent most of this time labeling herself while drawing conclusions regarding my character.

I expressed my feeling regarding the church’s insistence that marriage is a product of religion and is solely between man and woman and how this is unlawful and unconstitutional. I feel that if church dictates the standards of marriage, then legislating the act is a violation of the First Amendment. However, I think civil unions are legal to legislate and totally understand the desire and the need for any number of reasons including the determination of power of attorney, visitation rights and probate.

However, after a few hours of banshee screech about this strange, unique and violated ultra niche of lesbians, I can see where rational people might not want her to get married. I finally decided she was right, and invited her to my wedding, so she can drive our hot lesbian friends straight.

That’s right, the rumors are indeed true, The Nurse and I are getting hitched soon. September of 2009 in fact. Several of my best friends are making parole arrangements as we speak. We agreed on the obligatory midgets, transvestites and strippers, otherwise known as our friends. However we’re having a difference of opinion on venue, she still insists on getting married in a heart-shaped hotel jacuzzi while my preferred Sunday place of worship is any number of gentlemen clubs or the random paintball field. However since the girl has already been married once, this is MY special day, and I get to be the bridezilla this time. If you think I’m being gay, I counter that all marriage is gay marriage, ask my mother and her partner, who proudly rocks Dyke Haircut #2 .