I grew up watching sick television, from slasher movies and ‘Faces of Death’ videos to disturbing internet videos (let’s face it, midget porn is weird). I feel like over the years it has stolen a small piece of my humanity, to the point that I just turn away now when I know something gross is going to happen. I just fear that there will come a day when it doesn’t shock me.
I just watched 15 minutes of the most vile television I’ve ever seen. Some truly sick individual stood in front of a studio audience in a silk pink tie bragging about all the luxuries in his life. Then, in the boldest move I’ve seen since George Bush flew onto an aircraft carrier to declare the end of the war over half a decade ago. This pitchman then proceeded to use the Bible to blatantly extort $1000 from each person. His logic was CRAZY, but his delivery was all Billie Mays meets Jim Jones. This Dr. Mike was straight God ponzi to me.
“Jesus said what you give in my name will be returned to you thousand fold” At this point he started seriously talking about providing a small $1000 seed to his ministry to reap this unreal multiplied harvest in the future. SERIOUSLY! I’ll stand here right now and say you have a thousand fold better chance of realizing a return by giving your $1000 this Saturday to the Powerball Lottery. The wealth he is bragging about having is your $1000, don’t get it? OK, send me $1000, I’ll be glad to don a pink silk tie and mock you on television just like this snake oil man.
This wouldn’t bother me, but there is this whole other correlation with the recycling of the Mayan calendar perhaps giving these charlatans just enough credence to scare the same people who thought Obama being elected would bring on the anarchy. This Mayan calendar is nothing more than a very complicated way of counting to 5000. Hey, here’s a little hint, If the Mayans could predict the destruction of the earth, perhaps they should have started by predicting the complete destruction of their civilization and culture. Nothing is going to happen on December 21, 2012 that is any more extraordinary than the beauty and wonder of some new product to shill on TV.
I have had enough, this sensationalism has driven me to action. Humanity has to have a rational counterpoint. A forum and clearinghouse to defend rational people from the dogma and fundamentalism shoved down the throats of people just trying to find a little fellowship with his fellow man/woman/etc… I’ve finally decided that there is no choice but to don my collar and dust off my Certificate of Ordainment and take on the calling of…
That’s right, it’s that time of year when we all celebrate the birth of the most amazing person on Earth, me. I know, I know, some people will once again disguise their festivities by saying they are praising some Latin guy with a similar name. But we all know it’s all about me and I thank you….
My sweet friend Heather decided to throw me a party because apparently her birthday is somewhere around the same time. No troubles, I’m sure it will be a quaint affair. I’d invite my legions of fans, however most won’t be paroled in time for the party. The rest really don’t know how to read and simply look at the pretty pictures.
I don’t need any gifts because honestly you people wouldn’t have the first inkling of the things that excite me. For instance, last week my company gave me the best present ever by letting me drive a float in the local parade. It was awesome. Everyone loved me. Here’s a pic
However if you want to give me money I could make it worth your while. Perhaps I could give you a little lapdance while you… “make it rain”. Eh let’s face it, any lapdance from me isn’t likely to be ‘little’.
In other news I’m moving down the road this week, nothing dramatic, the house I live in now is as cold inside as out. Amy told me last week that this isn’t normal so we decided to get a normal house that includes heat.
One last thing, how come when I typed “Parade” in Google Images it gives me the exact same response as “Gay Parade” and please don’t ask why I typed “Gay Parade” in Google.
Today I just graduated from another course in interpersonal communications, no seriously. I have actually committed a great deal of time and other people’s money to the art of communicating effectively.
And I can tell you unequivocally that I am awesome at communicating. I am extremely effective at allowing you to understand my needs and reassuring you of how irrelevant your needs are when we aren’t in agreement. Not to say that your needs aren’t important, they certainly are when they parallel my needs, and of course you want us to both get what we want, don’t you?
As we approach this historical election I find that more and more people feel empowered to try to communicate with me. Why just today, someone who has known me for years expressed how rude and insensitive I was as if they had just realized this today. All this is very novel to me as in the past most people just averted their gaze as I leered at them sexually. I’ve decided that either I’m not creepy enough anymore or I’ve suddenly become sexually attractive to all walks of life and they can no longer ignore me.
It gets worse, this weekend, my company insisted I sit at the State Fair and be the engineer in charge of how ignorant you are of technology (I don’t think that was a title so much as a directive, which is why I didn’t capitalize). People actually approached me with questions. Didn’t anyone tell these people you aren’t suppose to ask engineers questions lest they give you an answer that is outside your vocabulary, is bound to make you feel more stupid and usually involves a huge dent in your wallet. You invite engineers to public events simply to eat your food and as silent props to legitimize your marketing staff.
It’s (NOT) true, I (HAVE NOT) taken to internerd stalking… I guess this is what happens when I don’t have a bar to drink at and take to scotching it up in front of the intertubes. I imagine I’m pretty harmless as a stalker since I have the attention span of a squirrel. It will take every bit of concentration just to finish this post.
But seriously, I was watching History Channel’s ‘The Universe’ which I tend to put on for background noise. I’ve learned that it makes almost no sense to discuss astronomy with anyone in the bible belt as most people here have a hard time trying to quantify where their Christian heaven would reside in a universe that extends beyond our own atmosphere.
So as astronomers postulating on the scales of millions of light years droned on, this hot little biscuit came on the screen. Suddenly she was speaking my language.
She tried to spice it up by demonstrating the gas emissions of a quasar with two blowtorches. I’m afraid to admit, I might have had an emission of my own. There was something about a hot female astrophysicist with blowtorches in both hands that made me involuntarily touch myself. I reached climax right about the time she started discussing the dissipation of the accretian disc field of a quasar while holding said blowtorch.
It’s not my fault, girls with blowtorches are HOT!!!
Note scientific example:
However, Hot female Astrophysicists with blowtorches are goddess-life.
So… thank you Amy Mainzer,
for not only making astronomy interesting and easy to digest but also making it…
I can’t take any responsibility for today’s awesome turnout in front of Orlando’s Church of Scientology. There was well over a hundred people collected on either side of the street. Far better turn out than last year’s Xenuday festivities. I’m sure in the coming days there will be more videos like the one above.
I just wish that it would be as easy to collect this same group in front of a Christian Church or a Mosque. To condemn Co$ as a dangerous sham and then state that “My church isn’t like that” is to completely miss the point.
Performance Art in Assholery
Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit.