Uberbastard.com

I grew up watching sick television, from slasher movies and ‘Faces of Death’ videos to disturbing internet videos (let’s face it, midget porn is weird). I feel like over the years it has stolen a small piece of my humanity, to the point that I just turn away now when I know something gross is going to happen. I just fear that there will come a day when it doesn’t shock me.

I just watched 15 minutes of the most vile television I’ve ever seen. Some truly sick individual stood in front of a studio audience in a silk pink tie bragging about all the luxuries in his life. Then, in the boldest move I’ve seen since George Bush flew onto an aircraft carrier to declare the end of the war over half a decade ago. This pitchman then proceeded to use the Bible to blatantly extort $1000 from each person. His logic was CRAZY, but his delivery was all Billie Mays meets Jim Jones. This Dr. Mike was straight God ponzi to me.

“Jesus said what you give in my name will be returned to you thousand fold” At this point he started seriously talking about providing a small $1000 seed to his ministry to reap this unreal multiplied harvest in the future. SERIOUSLY! I’ll stand here right now and say you have a thousand fold better chance of realizing a return by giving your $1000 this Saturday to the Powerball Lottery. The wealth he is bragging about having is your $1000, don’t get it? OK, send me $1000, I’ll be glad to don a pink silk tie and mock you on television just like this snake oil man.

This wouldn’t bother me, but there is this whole other correlation with the recycling of the Mayan calendar perhaps giving these charlatans just enough credence to scare the same people who thought Obama being elected would bring on the anarchy. This Mayan calendar is nothing more than a very complicated way of counting to 5000. Hey, here’s a little hint, If the Mayans could predict the destruction of the earth, perhaps they should have started by predicting the complete destruction of their civilization and culture. Nothing is going to happen on December 21, 2012 that is any more extraordinary than the beauty and wonder of some new product to shill on TV.

I have had enough, this sensationalism has driven me to action. Humanity has to have a rational counterpoint. A forum and clearinghouse to defend rational people from the dogma and fundamentalism shoved down the throats of people just trying to find a little fellowship with his fellow man/woman/etc… I’ve finally decided that there is no choice but to don my collar and dust off my Certificate of Ordainment and take on the calling of…

the Right Reverend Uberbastard

OK, I rarely get worked up about the media (mostly because they pay the bills), and even rarer yet do I provide statistic to support my point. I’m from the old school of perception-based reality. It makes fabricating truths a lot easier. Which makes working in the media not as spirit-sucking as you might think. But I’m really irritated when the media attaches itself to a good buzzword.

As of last month there was 263 deaths attributed to the H1N1 virus, let’s assume at the current rate there are 500 deaths for the entire year. I was looking at death statistics for 2006 (I do that kind of stuff on lunch breaks). For fun I’m going to give you a list of just a few ways you are more likely to die this year in the US than H1N1. Now don’t let me mislead you, death from pneumonia or flu is a very real and crappy way to die and for example 180 times more likely to take your life than the ‘swine flu’ alone.

Now let’s see, in the United States TODAY you are nearly 5 TIMES more likely to die of malnutrition than swine flu. You are 20 times more likely to die of leukemia this year. Hell, you are 140 times more likely to die of the DIABEETUS, half as likely to kill yourself and half again as likely to get murdered.  The good news? You are only slightly less likely to be killed by a cop, see isn’t that awesome.

What about Cancer you say??? Are you kidding? What variety? Skin? 15 TIMES! Brain? 20 TIMES! And the real shocker? Rectal Cancer 100 TIMES!!! That’s right, you are 100 times more likely to die of ass cancer than H1N1, where are those headlines? Where is the ass cancer vaccine??? Ohhh Emm Geee, how can I protect myself from the ass cancer epidemic?

I was glad to hear, as it was reported earlier in the year, that pork apparently has nothing to do with H1N1, the Hispanic press however had their own hypothesis on the swine flu origin….

This of course has nothing to do with H1N1 and in no way reflects my sex life in the early 90′s. However, this could be contributing to the appearance of Ebola in pigs…. Um OK, I’ll be in my back yard digging out the bomb shelter, the end is surely nigh…

Hey guess what? In more pleasant news, some Major Dick Head says we’re winning in Iraq, no seriously. And this time it isn’t our president, he’s British, you can totally believe what he’s saying (insert sarcasm here).

“If I was president,
I’d get elected on Friday, Assassinated on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday, Then go back to work on Monday.”

— Wyclef John

As we approach the inauguration there has been a lot of armchair presidents sneaking out of their basements. Everyone seems to have their own belief in where our new President should place his concern. I propose he be concerned with EVERYTHING!

I fear that without the kind of radical reversing of our current course, we can only assume that we may find this generation’s Thomas Jefferson waiting to take action…

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.”

— Preamble to the Declaration of Independence

This, of course, is the point where I throw my own 2 cents in and tell you what kind of world I would like to live in, seriously…

If I were president…

My Domestic Policy…

• No man or woman should be allowed to pose their will on another, violating body or property should be dealt with in kind and without delay or excuse.
• No American should ever be without a meal and a bed (edit) regardless of circumstance. I believe in state sponsored boarding and a temporary work program and placement for all that desire to aspire to more than a communal bed and meal. If someone is homeless, it is not because they fell through the cracks.
• The more crowded this world gets, it seems harder to find true connections with people. Civil unions should not be hindered on the basis of race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. And certainly not for the sake of unbalancing someone’s delicate and immoral sensibilities (Note Bullet Point One)
• Unborn children are just that, unborn, and carry no rights until they are no longer solely dependent on that single human being that is bearing them.

My Foreign Policy…

• We need to reinforce our message of democracy by not imposing our will on another sovereign nation without the agreement or better yet, the participation of a majority of nations.
• Canadian companies are required to exhaust all domestic resources before seeking any foreign import, this includes products and labor. I don’t think it would violate free trade to have the same policy.
• A nation cannot wage war on an ideal or an act or apparently a drug. We’ve proven this to be the case over and over again.

Economic Policy

• Spending $700 billion dollars to bail out banks that have been fiscally irresponsible while balking at the same $700 billion invested in the nation’s infrastructure is asinine.
• A free market means that you give corporations all the rope they need to hang themselves and when they do you let them wither and die irregardless of the consequences to be replaced by smarter corporations.
• There is no way to progress as a country if we keep fixing broken and outdated ideas, we must break free of the old and embrace new, solid, and worthwhile technologies for the future.

This my fellow Americans is my decree…

I was going to talk about furries, but I realized they really get enough shit already. Floridians? Not so much.

I have noticed an uncomfortable amount of Florida License Plates up here on the roads these days. And I can tell you I’m not at all happy. I mean I still have friends in Florida (and I miss you all dearly), but I left there to experience ‘not fucking insane’ and honestly, I’ve never felt more at home.

But due to my friends and family, I often keep up on the news in Florida, here are a smattering of headlines from the last few days…

• 90-year-old emaciated woman’s shoes ‘grown into her feet’; son charged with neglect
• UF students build 40 person beer bong to protest for younger drinking age
• It’s happened again: Man arrested for throwing sandwich at girlfriend
• Woman Plans To Sue Hospital, Says Knife Was Left In Head
• Impatient Man Makes Bomb Threat At Hospital
• Report: Man bites Fort Pierce woman on elbow to get car keys, drive off
• Angry wife jailed after biting husband’s you-know-what
• Florida man uses BB gun to steal deodorant
• Police: Suspicious wife who demands to smell husband’s genitals beaten
• Police: Fort Pierce woman allegedly attacked crack-smoking boyfriend with toilet seat

Having read this latest news, I’m not at all sorry I left and if you live in Florida and were truly a friend of mine, you would escape as well before ‘they’ get you, I don’t care where you go, but seriously, FARK dedicated a category to Florida, don’t you get it yet?

In related news, my mother got gay married, or at least as gay married as one can get in Florida. Which brings me to even more disturbing news, the girl and I are planning to get married in Miami this year. She is aiming for September 9th so I don’t forget 09-09-09. Personally, I’d prefer the more binary 10-10-10, not simply because it’s a year farther away but it is the binary number for the answer to life, the universe, and everything. But it appears I can no longer distract her with jewelry. Besides, I gotta make her an honest women before she gets swept away by some hero on OKCupid.

BTW, I recently discovered I have fans, certainly being terribly self-centered I Google myself constantly. Since I have long lived in the shadow of a certain famous Mr. Universe, I find emulation highly flattering. I am however, not at all concerned that my fans appear to be mostly catty Greek queers including this suave fag (warning untethered dicks).

That is all for now…

That’s right, it’s that time of year when we all celebrate the birth of the most amazing person on Earth, me. I know, I know, some people will once again disguise their festivities by saying they are praising some Latin guy with a similar name. But we all know it’s all about me and I thank you….

My sweet friend Heather decided to throw me a party because apparently her birthday is somewhere around the same time. No troubles, I’m sure it will be a quaint affair. I’d invite my legions of fans, however most won’t be paroled in time for the party. The rest really don’t know how to read and simply look at the pretty pictures.

I don’t need any gifts because honestly you people wouldn’t have the first inkling of the things that excite me. For instance, last week my company gave me the best present ever by letting me drive a float in the local parade. It was awesome. Everyone loved me. Here’s a pic

However if you want to give me money I could make it worth your while. Perhaps I could give you a little lapdance while you… “make it rain”. Eh let’s face it, any lapdance from me isn’t likely to be ‘little’.

In other news I’m moving down the road this week, nothing dramatic, the house I live in now is as cold inside as out. Amy told me last week that this isn’t normal so we decided to get a normal house that includes heat.

One last thing, how come when I typed “Parade” in Google Images it gives me the exact same response as “Gay Parade” and please don’t ask why I typed “Gay Parade” in Google.

Today I just graduated from another course in interpersonal communications, no seriously. I have actually committed a great deal of time and other people’s money to the art of communicating effectively.

And I can tell you unequivocally that I am awesome at communicating. I am extremely effective at allowing you to understand my needs and reassuring you of how irrelevant your needs are when we aren’t in agreement. Not to say that your needs aren’t important, they certainly are when they parallel my needs, and of course you want us to both get what we want, don’t you?

As we approach this historical election I find that more and more people feel empowered to try to communicate with me. Why just today, someone who has known me for years expressed how rude and insensitive I was as if they had just realized this today. All this is very novel to me as in the past most people just averted their gaze as I leered at them sexually. I’ve decided that either I’m not creepy enough anymore or I’ve suddenly become sexually attractive to all walks of life and they can no longer ignore me.

It gets worse, this weekend, my company insisted I sit at the State Fair and be the engineer in charge of how ignorant you are of technology (I don’t think that was a title so much as a directive, which is why I didn’t capitalize). People actually approached me with questions. Didn’t anyone tell these people you aren’t suppose to ask engineers questions lest they give you an answer that is outside your vocabulary, is bound to make you feel more stupid and usually involves a huge dent in your wallet. You invite engineers to public events simply to eat your food and as silent props to legitimize your marketing staff.

Not to worry, I used my time communicating productively. I shared the secret that no one need worry about the upcoming ‘digital transition’ that will be taking place February 17th, 2009. As we will simply start broadcasting our advertisements directly to the microchip we had installed in each of your brains.

Have a Nice Day.

Religious Freedom in North Carolina is most often defined as the freedom to be whatever Christian you choose to be. When we moved in, my next door neighbor wasn’t as concerned that we knew where the nearest grocery store or liquor store but rather which church offers services that correspond with our schedule.

On the way to Highway 70 today we drove past the “New Aggressive Church of Deliverance”. I’m not kidding, apparently Christians don’t take ‘NO’ for an answer any easier than pan-handlers (this is a story for another time). At first we were taken aback by the relentless Christians but after a few minutes we decided to rename this place of worship “The New First Aggressive Church of Involuntary Flagellation” and all was good.

Bonus: A little history lesson… The original 13 colonies all had drafts prepared of the original Bill of Rights in order to discuss and ultimately ratify those amendments. After it’s ratification in 1791, these priceless early drafts went into storage, North Carolina’s draft was relatively safe from everything but the rages of war as Sherman’s dirty army of Northern Aggression waltzed through Raleigh and some enterprising yankee profiteers decided to take some souvenirs. The draft was returned in 2005 to much fanfare.

The DNC concluded tonight to a show at Mile High Stadium that was second only to the Olympics opening ceremonies. Obama made a rousing plea to bring change to Washington. If this war continues I fear all we’ll have left is change. All the while Iraq sits on nearly $80 BILLION in surplus. Oh sure it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the nearly $10 TRILLION the US is in debt, so why not stay in Iraq. Really, what’s another $23 BILLION a year and countless lives to continue to destabalize a region and rake in billions in profits for oil barons.

I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome the opening ceremonies of the Olympics were, I am trying not to be all gay and stuff, but was near tears there. The closing ceremonies were no less amazing. If you were to interpret the imagery there I can only assume that they plan on taking over the world with large wheeled bicycles.

These guys have put every other Olympics to shame. And at an estimated 60 billion dollars it’s unlikely another country will come close any time soon.

As the Olympics closes, I realize the media will have a whole new group of medal-wielding idols to impress some assumed intelligence upon. The next thing you know, these athletes who have committed their whole being to some physical endeavor will soon be considered celebrities and assumed experts on a range of topics. As if they are more likely to have developed a more informed opinion than the average mouth-breathing American.

Here’s a perfect example, Michael Phelps, after years of hard work, continuous practice and exercise has won eight gold medals in a single Olympics and attained world records in seven of those events. Earning lifetime ‘fuck you’ rights and finally a sweet pay day in endorsements. He’s now under attack for accepting endorsements from McDonald’s and Frosted Flakes. It’s not like he’s endorsing sitting on the couch and playing XBox for 16 hours a day which I assure you is as much a contributor to my morbid childhood obesity.

Hey Michael Phelps, if you come across any ‘child obesity advocates’ giving you shit, I suggest you just tell them to “Suck it” and beat them with a sock filled with Olympic gold medals.

Someone asked me about my photochopping skillz, I explained that for me, photochopping is like sex, if it takes more than 15 minutes and doesn’t make at least one person laugh, I want no part of it.

Durham’s got a reputation… And like mine it’s nothing to be proud of… However, I doubt its reputation stems from liberal abuse of easy fat girls, drugs and local traffic laws. Although I might be wrong, after all Durham is considered a college town. However, despite all this, it suffers from as many ups as downs.

Friday night as we made our way out to dinner I heard the familiar wail of sirens. Familiar only from years of living in the highest per capita homicide capital in the country, Orlando, FL. As I tried to get a bearing I heard a low rumble like a train coming, down the road was a champagne colored SUV with a flat front tire barreling at us with 3 patrol cars hot in pursuit. As we sought cover, the truck leaned into a perilous right hand turn spitting distance away.

I have to add that our little community has a very active listserv (read yahoogroup), we are constantly made aware of yard sales, free events and aggressive solicitors with a flurry of emails every day. This same vehicle had been seen in the area recently aggressively harassing and stalking pedestrians. I emailed the list after returning from dinner to find out what the result of this chase was, a Durham police Sergeant replied that thanks to the listserv participants they were able to cobble together a license plate # and wait for the moron to show up at his home.

It’s only slightly disconcerting that these officers in ‘hot pursuit’ were incapable of getting the license plate without the combined help of the neighborhood, that they lost the 3 wheeled SUV in the pursuit, and the town that the Andy Griffith Show is based on is just up the road.

I’m just hoping that we give these guys more than one bullet. Come on boys, make me proud…er.

I’ve often mocked people who think ‘live blogging’ an event is cool and trendy. So here I am sitting in front of the TV watching the debate and Googling celebrity nip slips (I know, so last year). I decided instead to be productive, not with some mindless minute by minute report. I will watch the debate and make a general impression of the candidate and then use Google Image Search to find the appropriate picture that represents my impression.

I’ve put them in order of their position on stage rather than by preference. To the left is the way they want to present themselves, to the right is my impression.

I task you with interpreting my impression in the comments.

Mitt Romney

John McCain

Rudy Guiliani

Ron Paul

Mike Huckabee