Category Archives: Play

Razing Arizona

I know you were expecting me to clown around but we have a real problem in our society today. We have pundits and antagonists from every political angle blaming one another for society’s ills and inciting angry no-nothing sociopaths to try and fix a slow watch with a sledgehammer. But  I learned in Kindergarten that the kids that point fingers are usually just as guilty. Well, we dug our own Foxhole, we’re served over-simplified answers easier than Google and we get it wrapped up with easy to read graphics like USA Today. If someone tries to wrap up a complex issue with no evidence and a fancy sound bite, you should ask them if their conviction is so strong that they would felate you if they’re wrong. It seems to me the people that are busy solving our ‘ills’ don’t have time to make talking points.

More so, there is a segment of our population that feel they should be treated like snowflakes, fragile and one-of-a-kind. Well I have GREAT NEWS for you! You are a unique snowflake… Just like every other snowflake. Everyone is the first one to do something or other at some point in their life and further more they are the first one to do ANYTHING by their perspective and that’s what this is about after all isn’t it, your perspective. Seems to me even with access to the whole of this world’s knowledge at one’s fingertips , it’s not going to make you any less of an asshole.

Jared Loughner makes a lousy Taxi Driver

I’m not going to mention either one of these fame-seeking shitbirds’ names just to avoid the Google’d traffic, but I’m surprised the media hasn’t jumped on the Taxi Driver corollary. Maybe it’s the fear of unleashing a torrent of closeted Travis Bickle’s who would swear they thought of it first.  I just wish that mugshot was taken after he discovered that Representative Giffords would survive so we aren’t left with the pretentious smirk of an idiot that thought he succeeded instead of the disappointed scowl that must be on his face today.

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Twitter Updates for 2010-05-25

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The Language of Love

I’m sure everyone out there feels that one of the benefits of having a regular ‘significant other’ is that you hopefully get the chance to teach this person the things that make you happy.

I’ve always made a habit, for good or bad, of taking that benefit to extremes. One thing that most of my past lovers will attest to is my penchant to train them toward my likes and dislikes, rewarding good behavior and correcting bad behavior. I might be likened to a sexual Cesar Milan, my ‘calm, assertiveness’ often times leads to running a young lady around the room like a Lipizzaner.

One of the most interesting result is the development of certain keywords or commands that may be uttered out in public. They always seem to give rise to curiosity, so in the interest of disclosure, here are a few of the more common…

“Mouse Hand/Feet” – This is usually called out as a warning and is the result of the young lady leaving an appendage uncovered for some time and then trying to surreptitiously slip it near a toasty part of my body to warm it up.

“Kitten Time” – This act often manifests on the couch and involves the young lady trying to curl up into a ball on my lap. I’m much more conducive to this behavior with the addition of liberal ‘kneading’.

“Releasing the Dragons” – This is fair warning of the imminent release of flatulent gas. It evolved from the blaming of fart noises on frogs, however as the noise and smell increased, so did the animal emitting it.  It has so been incorporated into the vernacular that we’ll often warn each other of any passing stench by simply calling out “dragons”.

“Butt Love” – Far more innocent than one might assume, this typically involves some basic bare ass scratching. Mind you sometimes a warning is in order if the lady happens to pull an ‘Iceman’ and stray into the “Danger Zone”.

“Lady Blanket” – This behavior is one of my favorites and is most often called out from my stomach at which time the young lady will drape her body directly over  mine for some given time and then will slowly raise herself by walking her hands down my back, often leading to some ‘alignment’ cracking. There is a variation where I may be on my back but this most often ends, as one might suspect, in coitus.

“Blues Harp” – A variation on the classic fellatio involving the young lady cupping my whole package in her hands and then running her mouth along my undersides like John Popper on meth (OK, very poor imagery, but I’m sure you get the idea).

Needless to say there are several more but perhaps I’ve encouraged some people to make their own specialty erotic dim sum menu.

In other news, I’ve started work on another web project which I’ve become a bit passionate about, stay tuned for more updates about IrrationalChurch.com

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A Mediocre Life

I admit, the last few months I’ve been a bit more of a consumer than producer. It’s not that I haven’t had profound and hilarious things to say, I’ve just found it much more gratifying to mumble them into a pint of Boddington’s than post them on the internet. It’s also had a bit to do with this weather. This is the first time in 3 months the temperature has reached 60 degrees. I now realize why bears hibernate through all this white stuff.

I tweaked my back recently which due to the mysteries of the human body led to a good deal of chest pain. You may not know this but when a 350lb whining baby complains about chest pains people get nervous, numbers get dialed, lights flash, sirens blare, adhesives stick to chest hair… and who wants that shit? So, I’ve been seeing a Physical TheRapist, if you’ve ever been in the service of a PT you know that they are definitely wearing the wrong uniform for the job. She cured me, I no longer complain about my chest pain, I know better now… Mistress.

Dr. Ira Pebois

The truth is, the last four to five years have really devolved into an experiment. When I moved back to Orlando, I told the nurse that I wanted to attempt to have a real relationship. I wanted to experience a normal life, I wanted to know what ‘rush-hour traffic’ is all about, I wanted to go to work like a regular person, regular car, regular house, regular problems, a real regular life.

I think I got my wish, as awkwardly as usual, but now what? Give me a hint!

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Holy Matrimony!!!

T minus 3 days until Amy and I are married. It’s true, we have been talking about it for months but it is finally coming to pass. I keep on repeating it to myself to take the weirdness out of that statement. Why? Well I swore a long time ago that I would never get married, but I was talking to a theoretical physicist last year and he taught me mathematically that there is no such thing as ‘never’. It changed my life and allowed for the possibility that I could get married. Fucking Physics.

After a while, Amy finally convinced me that it was actually cheaper to get married than to draft ‘Power of Attorney’ papers in the case of some ‘catastrophic situation’, and if you have ever ridden a motorcycle with me, you would understand what that means and Amy’s desire to want the power to pull the plug on me and collect a sizable life insurance policy. Actually it all sounded a lot less sinister when Amy explained it to me the first time.

We scheduled the wedding for the middle of the week in a town we don’t even live in so the only people who could come were our more fanatical family, a few stalkers and the habitually unemployed. It’s also not that amazing how many strippers can apparently get Wednesday off work.

I’d give you more information but I’ve decided to stay inebriated and silent until its all over lest I inadvertently sabotage the proceedings by opening my mouth. Sometimes words collaborate in my mouth for nefarious reasons, they are not my friends.

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