Uberbastard.com

I tripped upon this website the other day, it was your standard Harley masturbation site, that is until I saw this…

I will have my own, on a Dickies shirt I believe!

Dr. Fiorella Terenzi is an astronomer who doesn’t fit into the usual mold of sky-gazers. So much so I had to ask myself “Is she for real?” She must be since you can buy 8″ X 10″ glossies of her face on her website. That’s right, another gratuitous self-promoter, but I guess you need to hawk everything you can to keep up her jet-setting lifestyle.

I mean SERIOUSLY! Who does she think she is, Buckaroo Bonzai? She runs around the world playing scientist, kung fu artist, recording artist, and social diva. She keeps company with celebrities and has composed with the likes of Herbie Hancock and Thomas Dolby, even Timothy Leary has drank this girl’s Koolaid.

She is relatively famous for making astronomy an aural experience, taking the spectral measurements of space and translating them to sound.

As for the experimental nekkidness there is only one Fiorella that can match the personality of this astronomer and do it bare-assed. That is the surreal Fiorella Saeda, she has the out-of-this-world features that compliment this otherworldly scientist.

I hope you enjoyed the World Science Festival and thank you for taking part in this experiment…

When you discuss String Theory, which I’m sure you do on rainy Saturday afternoons, you can’t go long before discussing the work of Dr. Amanda Peet. She’s one of the new school of theorists that believe we are actually all holograms, here are her notes on the idea. Don’t laugh, it’s still at least as plausible as a zombie christ born of a virgin mother.

Dr. Peet is a little camera shy, and I’m sure this picture doesn’t do her justice. However, I know within that mousey exterior lies a real sexy tiger, ready to pounce. And pounce she does, like I, she is an ardent supporter of women in science as such I’m sure she would be excited about having an Erdos-Bacon number approaching Danica_McKellar. Of course that’s based on Dr. Amanda Peet having the same name as the castrating bitch from the movie “Saving Silverman”.

That brings us to the nekkid part, as the other Amanda Peet is far less shy, there are several naughty pics to choose from. The comic is from the geeks over at Abstruse Goose with a little photochopping literary license on my part. .

There is some irony to this however as there is an active child vaccination feud between actress Amanda Peet and one Jenny McCarthy, who I had mentioned with regards to metallurgist hottie, Jennifer McCarty. I’ll tell you right now, the girl with the gun above is definitely the more rational.

When I first started checking out Dr. Newman for this experiment, I had flashbacks to Buck Rogers and the hot little Captain Dearing, not because they look anything alike but it was the first time I thought of space as potentially sexy (well OK I lied, there were those Orion slave girls on Star Trek).

You see Dr. Newman is a Professor of Aeronautics and Astronautics and Engineering Systems at MIT and her thrust is making space or extraterrestrial suits more functional and form fitting. End result, She’s well on her way to making space SEXY, just like Erin Grey!

Example 1:

This is Dr. Dava in her Sexy Space Suit, now if you’re thinking like me, you are wondering how do you pee in this thing. If you aren’t thinking like me you are wondering if she plans on wearing her Asics sneakers on Mars.

Now I know I promised a sexy nekkid girl with the same first name, but I guess there aren’t a lot of women named Dava running out and getting nekkid on the web. So instead I give you hot Vulcan scientist Jolene Blalock riding Buck Roger’s Ship.

If that’s not sexy enough, call management.

Today’s Hot Scientist is Kirsten Sanford, holds a B.S. in Conservation Biology and a Ph.D. in Molecular, Cellular and Integrative Physiology from U.C. Davis. Now when I say that Dr. Sanford is busy, it is no exaggeration. She’s a radio host, a contributer to The Skeptic Blog, and supposedly is producing her own web TV Show. Dr. Kiki isn’t trapped in some lab clinking beakers together, she is getting out and putting a pretty face on neuroscience. And what a pretty face it is…

But seriously I should probably put up a more flattering picture because Dr. Kiki isn’t just a hot ass Brain Brainiac, she’s also a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and would probably love to beat me up. (I would let her, I hear TKD artists are really flexible, rawr.)

But we’re here about the science and Dr Kiki is too, she regularly hosts a radio show called “This Week in Science” which isn’t as dry as it sounds. Check it out, she’s as fun as she looks!

Now for the obligatory nudity! Here’s some irony… There is this hot strawberry blonde who is running around the web showing the world where she keeps her extra brains with the same name, Kiki Sanford.

Imagine that…

In commemoration of New York’s World Science Festival, I am going to work REALLY hard and pump out a full week of relatively famous hot babe scientists. In the past I have shared my mild fascination and celebrated the attractive women of science to somewhat mixed reviews. Since then I see that others have taken the standard and have run with it. I am proud of their efforts, also I think more scientists should tart it up for us.

As I am a bit of a self proclaimed amateur scientist myself, we’ll be doing a little science here ourselves… using the Scientific Method (of course):

My Science Experiment!!!

Observations:

• We know most published post-graduate scientists google themselves incessantly
• We also know the gears and tubes of the internet are solely lubricated with porn

Hypothesis:

• I will continue to be unappreciated for my sacrifice for science as I expose audiences who thought the sole purpose of the internet was for porn to the exciting world of SCIENCE!!!

Experiment:

• Each Hot Scientist will be featured in an appealing and positive light.
• In order to ease searches, each post will be coupled with a nekkid broad with the same first name.
• Each post will maintain the integrity, brilliance and levity of this satirical author.
• We will monitor comments and email for death threats and cease and desist orders.

We’ll provide you with our Conclusions after our week full of experiments!

For example:

Joanne Manaster is a Biology professor of some type, she lectures about organelles and all kinds of molecular and tissue science. I know, I’m totally digging her tissue too. Anyway, I’m not sure if she has her PhD, nor do I know if she does any real science but it really doesn’t matter since this is an example and Joanne herself is a gratuitous self promoter. So say hello to her, International Supermodel Scientists need love too.

She should not however be confused with Joanie Laurer, who is gratuitous in several VERY different ways. Although on second thought, not getting confused might be harder than I thought. I mean look at these two, they are EQUALLY HOT! Especially if Ms Laurer is kneeling in fur with a DMB Ameoba bikini slapped on her little Lily Garden. See, I know science too! Bonus: I finally found a use for the Dave Mathews Band

Yup, practically indistinguishable from the other Joanne.

Let the Science BEGIN!!!!

Twitterbound…

30 Rock quote of the day, “Lemon, don’t you have a slanket you should be filling with farts”

I came to bed to hear some BBC pompous English announcers discuss Ben Affleck’s ability as a movie’s potential antagonist, I think I want to stab myself with a spork.

Here is my ass in bed, now.

Is trhis visceral enough for you???

I was going to talk about furries, but I realized they really get enough shit already. Floridians? Not so much.

I have noticed an uncomfortable amount of Florida License Plates up here on the roads these days. And I can tell you I’m not at all happy. I mean I still have friends in Florida (and I miss you all dearly), but I left there to experience ‘not fucking insane’ and honestly, I’ve never felt more at home.

But due to my friends and family, I often keep up on the news in Florida, here are a smattering of headlines from the last few days…

• 90-year-old emaciated woman’s shoes ‘grown into her feet’; son charged with neglect
• UF students build 40 person beer bong to protest for younger drinking age
• It’s happened again: Man arrested for throwing sandwich at girlfriend
• Woman Plans To Sue Hospital, Says Knife Was Left In Head
• Impatient Man Makes Bomb Threat At Hospital
• Report: Man bites Fort Pierce woman on elbow to get car keys, drive off
• Angry wife jailed after biting husband’s you-know-what
• Florida man uses BB gun to steal deodorant
• Police: Suspicious wife who demands to smell husband’s genitals beaten
• Police: Fort Pierce woman allegedly attacked crack-smoking boyfriend with toilet seat

Having read this latest news, I’m not at all sorry I left and if you live in Florida and were truly a friend of mine, you would escape as well before ‘they’ get you, I don’t care where you go, but seriously, FARK dedicated a category to Florida, don’t you get it yet?

In related news, my mother got gay married, or at least as gay married as one can get in Florida. Which brings me to even more disturbing news, the girl and I are planning to get married in Miami this year. She is aiming for September 9th so I don’t forget 09-09-09. Personally, I’d prefer the more binary 10-10-10, not simply because it’s a year farther away but it is the binary number for the answer to life, the universe, and everything. But it appears I can no longer distract her with jewelry. Besides, I gotta make her an honest women before she gets swept away by some hero on OKCupid.

BTW, I recently discovered I have fans, certainly being terribly self-centered I Google myself constantly. Since I have long lived in the shadow of a certain famous Mr. Universe, I find emulation highly flattering. I am however, not at all concerned that my fans appear to be mostly catty Greek queers including this suave fag (warning untethered dicks).

That is all for now…

Today I just graduated from another course in interpersonal communications, no seriously. I have actually committed a great deal of time and other people’s money to the art of communicating effectively.

And I can tell you unequivocally that I am awesome at communicating. I am extremely effective at allowing you to understand my needs and reassuring you of how irrelevant your needs are when we aren’t in agreement. Not to say that your needs aren’t important, they certainly are when they parallel my needs, and of course you want us to both get what we want, don’t you?

As we approach this historical election I find that more and more people feel empowered to try to communicate with me. Why just today, someone who has known me for years expressed how rude and insensitive I was as if they had just realized this today. All this is very novel to me as in the past most people just averted their gaze as I leered at them sexually. I’ve decided that either I’m not creepy enough anymore or I’ve suddenly become sexually attractive to all walks of life and they can no longer ignore me.

It gets worse, this weekend, my company insisted I sit at the State Fair and be the engineer in charge of how ignorant you are of technology (I don’t think that was a title so much as a directive, which is why I didn’t capitalize). People actually approached me with questions. Didn’t anyone tell these people you aren’t suppose to ask engineers questions lest they give you an answer that is outside your vocabulary, is bound to make you feel more stupid and usually involves a huge dent in your wallet. You invite engineers to public events simply to eat your food and as silent props to legitimize your marketing staff.

Not to worry, I used my time communicating productively. I shared the secret that no one need worry about the upcoming ‘digital transition’ that will be taking place February 17th, 2009. As we will simply start broadcasting our advertisements directly to the microchip we had installed in each of your brains.

Have a Nice Day.

I’ve started getting emails from concerned folks that NEEEEED to know how I’m doing. My mother even sent me a video email the other day to explain what a poor son I’ve been and how she is becoming an internerd to spite me. A video email?!?!? I know I’m talking about my mother here but no one is attractive on a USB webcam. That is unless you are nekkid, thankfully my mother hasn’t learned this yet.

When I say you have to be nekkid to be even remotely attractive on a webcam. Mind you, I meant YOU, any web nekkidness on my part might be considered an act of terrorism, akin to trying to smuggle more than 3 ounces of toothpaste on a plane.

Now did I miss something or has instant messaging lost its charm? I miss the sheer innocence of convincing some young girl that it’s her great idea to remove her shirt and fondle her funbags. I mean everybody is twittering what they are doing like masturbating with Tourette’s, I don’t think anyone’s listening to you. I may be just as guilty of that one… the masturbating that is… to hot midget erotic models… maybe.

Recently I spent a little time exploring all these social networking sites that are bookmarked on my computer. I’ve watched the evolution of social networking and every site claims more people and more features, but I have to admit the most fun recently has been OKCupid. Originally called “The Spark” the online IQ test was their claim to fame. The girl and I mostly log on now hunting unicorns. I know how mythical that creature can be so I’ve settled just to find a few like-minded folks to have the occasional beer and spirited conversation…. A much less elusive endeavor.

So um, yeah… I’m going to need your screenname, please slip into something more comfortable…