The Language of Love

I’m sure everyone out there feels that one of the benefits of having a regular ‘significant other’ is that you hopefully get the chance to teach this person the things that make you happy.

I’ve always made a habit, for good or bad, of taking that benefit to extremes. One thing that most of my past lovers will attest to is my penchant to train them toward my likes and dislikes, rewarding good behavior and correcting bad behavior. I might be likened to a sexual Cesar Milan, my ‘calm, assertiveness’ often times leads to running a young lady around the room like a Lipizzaner.

One of the most interesting result is the development of certain keywords or commands that may be uttered out in public. They always seem to give rise to curiosity, so in the interest of disclosure, here are a few of the more common…

“Mouse Hand/Feet” – This is usually called out as a warning and is the result of the young lady leaving an appendage uncovered for some time and then trying to surreptitiously slip it near a toasty part of my body to warm it up.

“Kitten Time” – This act often manifests on the couch and involves the young lady trying to curl up into a ball on my lap. I’m much more conducive to this behavior with the addition of liberal ‘kneading’.

“Releasing the Dragons” – This is fair warning of the imminent release of flatulent gas. It evolved from the blaming of fart noises on frogs, however as the noise and smell increased, so did the animal emitting it.  It has so been incorporated into the vernacular that we’ll often warn each other of any passing stench by simply calling out “dragons”.

“Butt Love” – Far more innocent than one might assume, this typically involves some basic bare ass scratching. Mind you sometimes a warning is in order if the lady happens to pull an ‘Iceman’ and stray into the “Danger Zone”.

“Lady Blanket” – This behavior is one of my favorites and is most often called out from my stomach at which time the young lady will drape her body directly over  mine for some given time and then will slowly raise herself by walking her hands down my back, often leading to some ‘alignment’ cracking. There is a variation where I may be on my back but this most often ends, as one might suspect, in coitus.

“Blues Harp” – A variation on the classic fellatio involving the young lady cupping my whole package in her hands and then running her mouth along my undersides like John Popper on meth (OK, very poor imagery, but I’m sure you get the idea).

Needless to say there are several more but perhaps I’ve encouraged some people to make their own specialty erotic dim sum menu.

In other news, I’ve started work on another web project which I’ve become a bit passionate about, stay tuned for more updates about IrrationalChurch.com