H1N1: Aporkalypse Now

OK, I rarely get worked up about the media (mostly because they pay the bills), and even rarer yet do I provide statistic to support my point. I’m from the old school of perception-based reality. It makes fabricating truths a lot easier. Which makes working in the media not as spirit-sucking as you might think. But I’m really irritated when the media attaches itself to a good buzzword.

As of last month there was 263 deaths attributed to the H1N1 virus, let’s assume at the current rate there are 500 deaths for the entire year. I was looking at death statistics for 2006 (I do that kind of stuff on lunch breaks). For fun I’m going to give you a list of just a few ways you are more likely to die this year in the US than H1N1. Now don’t let me mislead you, death from pneumonia or flu is a very real and crappy way to die and for example 180 times more likely to take your life than the ‘swine flu’ alone.

Now let’s see, in the United States TODAY you are nearly 5 TIMES more likely to die of malnutrition than swine flu. You are 20 times more likely to die of leukemia this year. Hell, you are 140 times more likely to die of the DIABEETUS, half as likely to kill yourself and half again as likely to get murdered.  The good news? You are only slightly less likely to be killed by a cop, see isn’t that awesome.

What about Cancer you say??? Are you kidding? What variety? Skin? 15 TIMES! Brain? 20 TIMES! And the real shocker? Rectal Cancer 100 TIMES!!! That’s right, you are 100 times more likely to die of ass cancer than H1N1, where are those headlines? Where is the ass cancer vaccine??? Ohhh Emm Geee, how can I protect myself from the ass cancer epidemic?

I was glad to hear, as it was reported earlier in the year, that pork apparently has nothing to do with H1N1, the Hispanic press however had their own hypothesis on the swine flu origin….

This of course has nothing to do with H1N1 and in no way reflects my sex life in the early 90’s. However, this could be contributing to the appearance of Ebola in pigs…. Um OK, I’ll be in my back yard digging out the bomb shelter, the end is surely nigh…

Hey guess what? In more pleasant news, some Major Dick Head says we’re winning in Iraq, no seriously. And this time it isn’t our president, he’s British, you can totally believe what he’s saying (insert sarcasm here).