Of Unicorns and Feminazis

Speaking of girls, I was at the bar the other night (I know, no surprise) with my friendly neighborhood Irish bartender, a young couple was in discussion with an older woman sporting Dyke Haircut #4 (I’ll explain another time), they referred to a female friend of theirs as a ‘unicorn’. I’m afraid I might have picked the wrong time to shout out, “I love unicorns!”. At that point I became aware that despite the metaphor relating to a unique single woman, their metaphor might have been a tad more innocent in nature. This might have been the trigger that incurred the wrath of the self proclaimed “retired lesbian” (don’t ask me). Sometime later I realized that the “feminist” was yelling at me, so out of sport I engaged her. She spent most of this time labeling herself while drawing conclusions regarding my character.

I expressed my feeling regarding the church’s insistence that marriage is a product of religion and is solely between man and woman and how this is unlawful and unconstitutional. I feel that if church dictates the standards of marriage, then legislating the act is a violation of the First Amendment. However, I think civil unions are legal to legislate and totally understand the desire and the need for any number of reasons including the determination of power of attorney, visitation rights and probate.

However, after a few hours of banshee screech about this strange, unique and violated ultra niche of lesbians, I can see where rational people might not want her to get married. I finally decided she was right, and invited her to my wedding, so she can drive our hot lesbian friends straight.

That’s right, the rumors are indeed true, The Nurse and I are getting hitched soon. September of 2009 in fact. Several of my best friends are making parole arrangements as we speak. We agreed on the obligatory midgets, transvestites and strippers, otherwise known as our friends. However we’re having a difference of opinion on venue, she still insists on getting married in a heart-shaped hotel jacuzzi while my preferred Sunday place of worship is any number of gentlemen clubs or the random paintball field. However since the girl has already been married once, this is MY special day, and I get to be the bridezilla this time. If you think I’m being gay, I counter that all marriage is gay marriage, ask my mother and her partner, who proudly rocks Dyke Haircut #2 .