Durham’s got a reputation

Durham’s got a reputation… And like mine it’s nothing to be proud of… However, I doubt its reputation stems from liberal abuse of easy fat girls, drugs and local traffic laws. Although I might be wrong, after all Durham is considered a college town. However, despite all this, it suffers from as many ups as downs.

Friday night as we made our way out to dinner I heard the familiar wail of sirens. Familiar only from years of living in the highest per capita homicide capital in the country, Orlando, FL. As I tried to get a bearing I heard a low rumble like a train coming, down the road was a champagne colored SUV with a flat front tire barreling at us with 3 patrol cars hot in pursuit. As we sought cover, the truck leaned into a perilous right hand turn spitting distance away.

I have to add that our little community has a very active listserv (read yahoogroup), we are constantly made aware of yard sales, free events and aggressive solicitors with a flurry of emails every day. This same vehicle had been seen in the area recently aggressively harassing and stalking pedestrians. I emailed the list after returning from dinner to find out what the result of this chase was, a Durham police Sergeant replied that thanks to the listserv participants they were able to cobble together a license plate # and wait for the moron to show up at his home.

It’s only slightly disconcerting that these officers in ‘hot pursuit’ were incapable of getting the license plate without the combined help of the neighborhood, that they lost the 3 wheeled SUV in the pursuit, and the town that the Andy Griffith Show is based on is just up the road.

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I’m just hoping that we give these guys more than one bullet. Come on boys, make me proud…er.

Time Warner broke my DVR

I thought I would share this in case anyone else is ready to fling their DVR out the window and use it as a skeet clay. This is the email I sent Time Warner Cable today regarding my DVR box which is no longer even functional thanks to their newest unwelcome ‘upgrade’. Feel free to copy and paste it to your own cable company and perhaps they’ll stop trying to make things prettier at the expense of useful features…

The Time Warner DVR Program Guide is broken. Several weeks ago, without warning or permission my Program Guide was ‘upgraded’??? Features I’ve come to depend on for managing my DVR’s saved programs were lost.
These broken features include:

1. If I play a saved program from the Show List and then want to delete it the Show List no longer remembers which entry I had played and starts from the top again. This is by far the BIGGEST flaw.

2. If I want to record a program and keep it, I used to be able to do it from the original record options, now I have to go to the recording a second time and open a second record options dialog to keep a recording indefinitely.

3. When you delete a running program from the Show List and push down to the next program immediately it jumps to the showing from the Guide instead of the Show List. My work around is to wait a few seconds after deleting and the Show List will become available again.

The only real improvement I noticed was the show list feature ‘sort by title’ that might have been there before but I didn’t need it because the Guide actually worked. This is just what I’ve recalled as I write this now, I’m sure more annoyances will resurface after I mail this off. Let’s just say, I’m not impressed with the ‘cool new look’ of your ‘improved’ Guide. Another product that has sacrificed functionality for fancy drop shadows and gradients. Perhaps you should stop hiring Windows Vista programmers.

As with most of my complaints, suggestions and humor this is likely to be lost when the Bangladeshi Tech Support drone opens this email and decides which pre-made form answer is least likely to encourage me to write another email. I’m sure I’m over-thinking this and my email will probably merely be sorted into the same black hole where they deposit telemarketers’ souls.

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I know most of you could give a shit, but some of us require our toys to work flawlessly and intelligently so we don’t have to…

Jennifer Hooper McCarty, Not-stalkee duJour

In an attempt to not show that my not-stalking could be little more than idle fascination, I give you another smart broad to ogle at, may I present…

Jennifer HooperMcCarty Ph.D.,

Hot Metallurgical-type scientist babe.

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Jen, if I may be so casual, studies tensile strengths in metals, specifically the rivets of the infamous Titanic. If you’ve been living in a cave for the last hundred years, the Titanic is one of the largest spectacles of Heavy Metal to ever rock straight to Davey Jones Locker. (For the record Maddox, there will no further mention of The Monkees, or the gratuitous use of the word RIVET for all you Industrial music fans).

However, I will make it clear that this smart tart is not to be mistaken with sexy goofball, Jenny McCarthy.

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(Hard to find clothed shot, someone buy this girl a shirt)

Jenny McCarty’s Titanic Hypothesis is that the big, bad company, Harland & Wolff was in such a hurry to finish the Big Ship that they used substandard metal in the rivets. She wrote a book about it and also appeared on the Colbert Report to hawk her science packed tome, but I’ll save you some disappointment by saying there are no hot bikini pics of Ms. McCarthy or Dr. McCarty in this book. You’ll have to ask her hubby for those. Perhaps the ole “Do you have any nekkid pics of your wife” trick will work.

By the way, there is also the implication that untrained workers contributed to the faulty application of said rivets, including several Rosie-style Riveters. That’s right Ms. McCarty might be responsible for setting the blue collar sexual glass ceiling just a little lower. She did however supply a little Windex for the ladies by saying it was probably also the Irish.

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Oh Yeah. A little piece of trivia which is probably useless but still topical. When I was in St. Nazaire, I was told by a local food proprietor that the SS France was actually designed upon the discarded hull of the Brittanic, the sister ship of the Titanic which was also a hospital ship and not absorbed into the Cunard Line with the rest of the doomed White Star Line. Today I find with a simple Wikipedia search that the HMHS Brittanic is over 1500 miles away as the crow flies, sitting in 400ft of water off the coast of Greece. I am now deeply distraught as I’m not sure whether to believe the highly esteemed Wikipedia or the bumpkin Frenchman who thinks putting a head of romaine lettuce on a pizza makes his coastal food dive more cosmopolitan. I guess the only thing the French are good at is making pastries and surrendering.

So in Closing I’d like to thank you,

Ms. Jennifer HooperMcCarty Ph.D.,

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for making metallurgy sexy without the use of one blowtorch.

New Job, same asshole

I started a new job today.

I know, ‘didn’t I just hear this shit already?’. OK, I upgraded and took a job with a local television station. I once swore (OK, OFTEN SWORE) I would never take a position with a local station, but I really got tired of waiting for da goberment to give it to me deep. So now I have fancy benefits like paid time off and real health insurance. I want to share my experiences in government employ, but not tonight.

I know the Mexican single mom across the street in her ‘daisy dooks’ was excited at the news as she bent over at the waist in front of me to either pick up her kid or show off her ovaries. I thought it was an innocent invitation, tacitly relaying her fertility until she screamed from between her legs “Twenty dollars make you Holler”.  Threatening to hike the toddler across the yard. I guess she heard I got a raise. I politely passed and went inside to sip a celebratory scotch out of its gallon plastic container.

I then recalled why I feel so blessed to have a liquor store as my next door neighbors. The proprietors have taken to calling us The Lushes, as if it was a proper name. I’m wane to correct the fact that we aren’t married, as he might figure out that we’re also not related and are living in mortal sin. I’m serious, these Christians don’t fuck around.