T minus one week

You may or may not know, but I am a mere week away from moving away from this fine Sunshine State for the wilds of North Carolina. We’ve been planning this move for approximately two months, all the preparations are made, the mail’s been transfered, the whole deal. We found a beautiful house in downtown Durham, mere crawling distance from some of the coolest bars in the state (For the record, yes, the proximity of good bars does weigh in our decision process).

Neither of us have start dates for work, but we both have strong commitments, strong enough to make the leap, the tension in the house while we waited became unbearable and we decided we just needed to pull the trigger and get our asses out there. If you have any idea what tension looks like in our house, I can assure yo, it isn’t pretty…

I’ll continue my work keeping you fine people safe from terrorists and our own maleficent planet. However, I think for me to finish what is sure to be the most impressive piece of literature ever created, it’s necessary that I find myself a front porch. You should know that North Carolina is famous for its front porches. Besides, Florida writers are known to use really wordy and idiotic titles and wrap their books in seafoam and peach or some other horribly Floridian pastel. Can you really be taken seriously as a writer if no matter how much sex and murder you jam in your opus, it still looks like it belongs in the children’s section.

But seriously, Don’t think of it as me leaving Florida, think of it as making myself more available to the other 47 contiguous states. And truly no state should be allowed to suffer with me as long as Florida has, but don’t you fear for North Carolina, I only have her best interests at heart. Please don’t make me create a list of the people I’ll miss in this fine state, the internet would surely break.

For those of you that would like to say goodbye, Gary Holmes is planning something of an event at The Willow Tree Cafe in downtown Sanford, all in order to make me feel bad about leaving. If you would like to help him in making me feel like I abandoned you all, feel free to join us the evening of Wednesday February 13th. That is this coming Wednesday for those of you who don’t know how to work a calender.


After Wednesday’s hijinks I find that the area around my little toe has some kind of sprain. I told Amy it was near my ‘metacarpal’, she laughed saying, “Your meta’TARS’als are in your feet, it’s easy to remember, just think of ‘toes’, your meta’CARP’als are in your hand, like as in ‘seize’. Without missing a beat, or for that matter thinking, I said, “OK, like in seize a carp”?


“No Chris, as in the Latin ‘carpe'”

It was at that point I realized sometimes when Amy corrects me I can almost hear the silent “,dumbass.” that replaces the period.

As for Wednesday’s hijinks, my injuries are coming along nicely. The swelling has gone down and the wounds have all scabbed over. Apparently, the same can’t be said for some of the people in attendance. I’ve heard through a rumor mill that I might have pissed a few people off with comments I shared throughout the night.

I can only say, I’m sorry I’m leaving so soon before these people got to hear anything truly offensive instead of the buckets of praise I poured upon that young girl’s loins. If anyone spoke thusly of Amy, I’d hit it twice, HARD, just for them.

Co$ update

I can’t take any responsibility for today’s awesome turnout in front of Orlando’s Church of Scientology. There was well over a hundred people collected on either side of the street. Far better turn out than last year’s Xenuday festivities. I’m sure in the coming days there will be more videos like the one above.

I just wish that it would be as easy to collect this same group in front of a Christian Church or a Mosque. To condemn Co$ as a dangerous sham and then state that “My church isn’t like that” is to completely miss the point.