Uberbastard.com

I admit, the last few months I’ve been a bit more of a consumer than producer. It’s not that I haven’t had profound and hilarious things to say, I’ve just found it much more gratifying to mumble them into a pint of Boddington’s than post them on the internet. It’s also had a bit to do with this weather. This is the first time in 3 months the temperature has reached 60 degrees. I now realize why bears hibernate through all this white stuff.

I tweaked my back recently which due to the mysteries of the human body led to a good deal of chest pain. You may not know this but when a 350lb whining baby complains about chest pains people get nervous, numbers get dialed, lights flash, sirens blare, adhesives stick to chest hair… and who wants that shit? So, I’ve been seeing a Physical TheRapist, if you’ve ever been in the service of a PT you know that they are definitely wearing the wrong uniform for the job. She cured me, I no longer complain about my chest pain, I know better now… Mistress.

The truth is, the last four to five years have really devolved into an experiment. When I moved back to Orlando, I told the nurse that I wanted to attempt to have a real relationship. I wanted to experience a normal life, I wanted to know what ‘rush-hour traffic’ is all about, I wanted to go to work like a regular person, regular car, regular house, regular problems, a real regular life.

I think I got my wish, as awkwardly as usual, but now what? Give me a hint!

I tripped upon this website the other day, it was your standard Harley masturbation site, that is until I saw this…

I will have my own, on a Dickies shirt I believe!

I grew up watching sick television, from slasher movies and ‘Faces of Death’ videos to disturbing internet videos (let’s face it, midget porn is weird). I feel like over the years it has stolen a small piece of my humanity, to the point that I just turn away now when I know something gross is going to happen. I just fear that there will come a day when it doesn’t shock me.

I just watched 15 minutes of the most vile television I’ve ever seen. Some truly sick individual stood in front of a studio audience in a silk pink tie bragging about all the luxuries in his life. Then, in the boldest move I’ve seen since George Bush flew onto an aircraft carrier to declare the end of the war over half a decade ago. This pitchman then proceeded to use the Bible to blatantly extort $1000 from each person. His logic was CRAZY, but his delivery was all Billie Mays meets Jim Jones. This Dr. Mike was straight God ponzi to me.

“Jesus said what you give in my name will be returned to you thousand fold” At this point he started seriously talking about providing a small $1000 seed to his ministry to reap this unreal multiplied harvest in the future. SERIOUSLY! I’ll stand here right now and say you have a thousand fold better chance of realizing a return by giving your $1000 this Saturday to the Powerball Lottery. The wealth he is bragging about having is your $1000, don’t get it? OK, send me $1000, I’ll be glad to don a pink silk tie and mock you on television just like this snake oil man.

This wouldn’t bother me, but there is this whole other correlation with the recycling of the Mayan calendar perhaps giving these charlatans just enough credence to scare the same people who thought Obama being elected would bring on the anarchy. This Mayan calendar is nothing more than a very complicated way of counting to 5000. Hey, here’s a little hint, If the Mayans could predict the destruction of the earth, perhaps they should have started by predicting the complete destruction of their civilization and culture. Nothing is going to happen on December 21, 2012 that is any more extraordinary than the beauty and wonder of some new product to shill on TV.

I have had enough, this sensationalism has driven me to action. Humanity has to have a rational counterpoint. A forum and clearinghouse to defend rational people from the dogma and fundamentalism shoved down the throats of people just trying to find a little fellowship with his fellow man/woman/etc… I’ve finally decided that there is no choice but to don my collar and dust off my Certificate of Ordainment and take on the calling of…

the Right Reverend Uberbastard

T minus 3 days until Amy and I are married. It’s true, we have been talking about it for months but it is finally coming to pass. I keep on repeating it to myself to take the weirdness out of that statement. Why? Well I swore a long time ago that I would never get married, but I was talking to a theoretical physicist last year and he taught me mathematically that there is no such thing as ‘never’. It changed my life and allowed for the possibility that I could get married. Fucking Physics.

After a while, Amy finally convinced me that it was actually cheaper to get married than to draft ‘Power of Attorney’ papers in the case of some ‘catastrophic situation’, and if you have ever ridden a motorcycle with me, you would understand what that means and Amy’s desire to want the power to pull the plug on me and collect a sizable life insurance policy. Actually it all sounded a lot less sinister when Amy explained it to me the first time.

We scheduled the wedding for the middle of the week in a town we don’t even live in so the only people who could come were our more fanatical family, a few stalkers and the habitually unemployed. It’s also not that amazing how many strippers can apparently get Wednesday off work.

I’d give you more information but I’ve decided to stay inebriated and silent until its all over lest I inadvertently sabotage the proceedings by opening my mouth. Sometimes words collaborate in my mouth for nefarious reasons, they are not my friends.

OK, I rarely get worked up about the media (mostly because they pay the bills), and even rarer yet do I provide statistic to support my point. I’m from the old school of perception-based reality. It makes fabricating truths a lot easier. Which makes working in the media not as spirit-sucking as you might think. But I’m really irritated when the media attaches itself to a good buzzword.

As of last month there was 263 deaths attributed to the H1N1 virus, let’s assume at the current rate there are 500 deaths for the entire year. I was looking at death statistics for 2006 (I do that kind of stuff on lunch breaks). For fun I’m going to give you a list of just a few ways you are more likely to die this year in the US than H1N1. Now don’t let me mislead you, death from pneumonia or flu is a very real and crappy way to die and for example 180 times more likely to take your life than the ’swine flu’ alone.

Now let’s see, in the United States TODAY you are nearly 5 TIMES more likely to die of malnutrition than swine flu. You are 20 times more likely to die of leukemia this year. Hell, you are 140 times more likely to die of the DIABEETUS, half as likely to kill yourself and half again as likely to get murdered.  The good news? You are only slightly less likely to be killed by a cop, see isn’t that awesome.

What about Cancer you say??? Are you kidding? What variety? Skin? 15 TIMES! Brain? 20 TIMES! And the real shocker? Rectal Cancer 100 TIMES!!! That’s right, you are 100 times more likely to die of ass cancer than H1N1, where are those headlines? Where is the ass cancer vaccine??? Ohhh Emm Geee, how can I protect myself from the ass cancer epidemic?

I was glad to hear, as it was reported earlier in the year, that pork apparently has nothing to do with H1N1, the Hispanic press however had their own hypothesis on the swine flu origin….

This of course has nothing to do with H1N1 and in no way reflects my sex life in the early 90’s. However, this could be contributing to the appearance of Ebola in pigs…. Um OK, I’ll be in my back yard digging out the bomb shelter, the end is surely nigh…

Hey guess what? In more pleasant news, some Major Dick Head says we’re winning in Iraq, no seriously. And this time it isn’t our president, he’s British, you can totally believe what he’s saying (insert sarcasm here).

Dear Sirs,

When I first got Sirius I always commented that the one thing it was missing was a regular Industrial/Punk channel like XM. I was elated when Sirius started a Punk channel and thought it was some kind of practical joke when just a few months in, it became the AC/DC channel. WTF!!

Then, when XM joined Sirius, I thought that we would finally see XM’s industrial/goth/punk catalog mated to Sirius and we would have a channel dedicated to this genre and provide some reprieve beyond the smattering of songs on Faction between the endless insipid yapping and the token show on Sunday nights at 10PM on 1st Wave.

I don’t tend to write in complaints but I guess this has finally seethed to the surface, I know I can’t be the only one. Please give this silent group something of our own and consider a some kind of dedicated goth/industrial/punk channel, I know there is no shortage of material on your Prophet system.

Thank you,
CHRIS

Dr. Fiorella Terenzi is an astronomer who doesn’t fit into the usual mold of sky-gazers. So much so I had to ask myself “Is she for real?” She must be since you can buy 8″ X 10″ glossies of her face on her website. That’s right, another gratuitous self-promoter, but I guess you need to hawk everything you can to keep up her jet-setting lifestyle.

I mean SERIOUSLY! Who does she think she is, Buckaroo Bonzai? She runs around the world playing scientist, kung fu artist, recording artist, and social diva. She keeps company with celebrities and has composed with the likes of Herbie Hancock and Thomas Dolby, even Timothy Leary has drank this girl’s Koolaid.

She is relatively famous for making astronomy an aural experience, taking the spectral measurements of space and translating them to sound.

As for the experimental nekkidness there is only one Fiorella that can match the personality of this astronomer and do it bare-assed. That is the surreal Fiorella Saeda, she has the out-of-this-world features that compliment this otherworldly scientist.

I hope you enjoyed the World Science Festival and thank you for taking part in this experiment…

When you discuss String Theory, which I’m sure you do on rainy Saturday afternoons, you can’t go long before discussing the work of Dr. Amanda Peet. She’s one of the new school of theorists that believe we are actually all holograms, here are her notes on the idea. Don’t laugh, it’s still at least as plausible as a zombie christ born of a virgin mother.

Dr. Peet is a little camera shy, and I’m sure this picture doesn’t do her justice. However, I know within that mousey exterior lies a real sexy tiger, ready to pounce. And pounce she does, like I, she is an ardent supporter of women in science as such I’m sure she would be excited about having an Erdos-Bacon number approaching Danica_McKellar. Of course that’s based on Dr. Amanda Peet having the same name as the castrating bitch from the movie “Saving Silverman”.

That brings us to the nekkid part, as the other Amanda Peet is far less shy, there are several naughty pics to choose from. The comic is from the geeks over at Abstruse Goose with a little photochopping literary license on my part. .

There is some irony to this however as there is an active child vaccination feud between actress Amanda Peet and one Jenny McCarthy, who I had mentioned with regards to metallurgist hottie, Jennifer McCarty. I’ll tell you right now, the girl with the gun above is definitely the more rational.

When I first started checking out Dr. Newman for this experiment, I had flashbacks to Buck Rogers and the hot little Captain Dearing, not because they look anything alike but it was the first time I thought of space as potentially sexy (well OK I lied, there were those Orion slave girls on Star Trek).

You see Dr. Newman is a Professor of Aeronautics and Astronautics and Engineering Systems at MIT and her thrust is making space or extraterrestrial suits more functional and form fitting. End result, She’s well on her way to making space SEXY, just like Erin Grey!

Example 1:

This is Dr. Dava in her Sexy Space Suit, now if you’re thinking like me, you are wondering how do you pee in this thing. If you aren’t thinking like me you are wondering if she plans on wearing her Asics sneakers on Mars.

Now I know I promised a sexy nekkid girl with the same first name, but I guess there aren’t a lot of women named Dava running out and getting nekkid on the web. So instead I give you hot Vulcan scientist Jolene Blalock riding Buck Roger’s Ship.

If that’s not sexy enough, call management.

Today’s Hot Scientist is Kirsten Sanford, holds a B.S. in Conservation Biology and a Ph.D. in Molecular, Cellular and Integrative Physiology from U.C. Davis. Now when I say that Dr. Sanford is busy, it is no exaggeration. She’s a radio host, a contributer to The Skeptic Blog, and supposedly is producing her own web TV Show. Dr. Kiki isn’t trapped in some lab clinking beakers together, she is getting out and putting a pretty face on neuroscience. And what a pretty face it is…

But seriously I should probably put up a more flattering picture because Dr. Kiki isn’t just a hot ass Brain Brainiac, she’s also a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and would probably love to beat me up. (I would let her, I hear TKD artists are really flexible, rawr.)

But we’re here about the science and Dr Kiki is too, she regularly hosts a radio show called “This Week in Science” which isn’t as dry as it sounds. Check it out, she’s as fun as she looks!

Now for the obligatory nudity! Here’s some irony… There is this hot strawberry blonde who is running around the web showing the world where she keeps her extra brains with the same name, Kiki Sanford.

Imagine that…